One of the Children: Gay Black Men in Harlem

Why can't Blair Underwood keep a job? Man it seems like he is always the star or a lead character in a failing sitcom or soon to be cancelled sitcom or drama. LAX was just cancelled. I was hoping it would be a hit for his sake. At least he has some "stick to it ness" as my mom used to say. He gets right back up and keeps on going. Those hollywood stars must not be properly aligned over his head. Maybe he needs to consult a crystal ball to help map put his future!? He needs some help! And a hit tv show. He has 3 kids to feed.

By Mark Fitzgerald
Published: November 26, 2004 10:00 AM ET

CHICAGO Nervous laughter echoed from the audience of movers and shakers gathered at a DuSable Museum reception this summer to formally welcome Roland S. Martin as the new executive editor of the Chicago Defender. On stage, Cliff Kelley, the most influential talk radio host in black Chicago, was kidding on the square with Real Times LLC Chairman Tom Picou about the awful quality of the African-American daily not so long ago.

"I used to tell him that I had a great slogan for the Defender: 'Yesterday's News Tomorrow,'" Kelley laughed, as Picou, who years ago was the paper's president under its old Sengstacke family ownership, tried to look like a good sport. "There was a reason we called it 'the Offender.' We used to ask him if they had any proofreaders on the paper. We'd say, 'Ebonics was invented at the Defender.' It didn't seem like the paper could get worse, and then, things got worse."

By January 2003, when the Real Times group of investors from Chicago and Detroit bought the Defender and its four sibling weeklies for $8.1 million from the Sengstacke family, the Chicago paper had been surviving for decades as a shadow of its former self in editorial quality, readership, and financial viability. In the early 1950s, the weekly Defender circulated nationwide and hit its peak sales of 230,000 copies. In 2002, the last time it filed an Audit Bureau of Circulations (ABC) Publisher's Statement, the daily Defender sold just 14,629 copies a day in a city of 1.1 million African-Americans.

The decline of the storied newspaper — once so powerful it is credited with setting off the Great Migration of African-Americans from Dixie to the industrial cities of the North after World War I — symbolized the state of many black papers across the nation. Too many markets were crowded with black newspapers that were thinly financed mom-and- pop operations competing for readers and advertisers with error-riddled, irrelevant articles presented in dated layouts and smudgy reproduction.

But now, the black press is on a rebound, pushed by a sophisticated readership increasingly loathe to accept mediocrity, pulled by owners who realize their old business model is utterly broken and advertisers who now demand a more specific return on their dollar than a feel-good vibe.

"The black press has gotten the memo that change is required," says DC Livers, who catalogued more than 400 black newspapers and other publications as editor of the new Black Press Yearbook: Who's Who in Black Media. "They're starting to understand that their reader ... expects the black press to be as good as the general market [paper]."

Robert W. Bogle has seen the changes firsthand as president and CEO of the nation's oldest black newspaper, the 120-year-old Philadelphia Tribune. "Being black," he says, "won't get you over — and it shouldn't. You've got to be competitive."

And just as the Defender symbolized an industry in trouble, the paper now is the most talked-about example of a possible black-press renaissance.

If you think the brawl between the Pistons, the Pacers and the public started with Ron Artest's hard foul on Friday night, then you just haven't been paying attention. The tensions that led to that melee have been building for years, as the gulf between athletes and fans has widened, standards of civility have declined and the lust for violence has intensified. It's been getting increasingly nasty out there, on the field and in the stands, and the malice at the Palace was just the next step down the ladder to who knows where.

The fight was deplorable, yes, frightening, yes, but shocking? Not really. Not after we've seen Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco angrily toss a chair into the stands, breaking a woman's nose; not after we've seen Tie Domi of the Toronto Maple Leafs wrestle with a fan in the penalty box; not after we've seen spectators rush the field to attack Kansas City Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa; not after we've seen Vernon Maxwell of the Houston Rockets charge into the stands to punch a heckler.

All those incidents happened within the last 10 years, and they, along with many others like them, led to last Friday night. They are all evidence that the player-fan dynamic has changed for the worse. Athletes and spectators don't like each other anymore, generally speaking, and it only takes a few overpriced beers in the hands of the wrong people to make the hostility leak out.

The money is part of the growing disconnect. Fans resent the obscene salaries that the players are making, and players resent the fans' notion that those big paychecks make them fair game for the most vicious heckling. The antagonism between the two sides is like a fuse, and the cup of beer thrown at Artest was just the latest match, causing the biggest explosion we've witnessed. So far.

There was a time when even that pent-up resentment wouldn't have caused the kind of ugliness we saw Friday at the Palace of Auburn Hills, when it wouldn't have occurred to fans to attack players, and players wouldn't have dreamed of charging into the stands. That was before the standards for acceptable behavior changed, before we started serenading opposing players with obscene taunts, before we began chanting "Bull----!" when a referee makes a call we don't like.

It was also before everyone got so angry, and we're not talking about sports. We flip each other off in the car more, and fire off angry e-mails, and it's no surprise that when some of us go to a game, we're not just looking for entertainment, we're looking to let off steam. We want to see Ray Lewis pulverize a ball carrier and dance in celebration. We can't wait to see Shaquille O'Neal�flatten Kobe Bryant�the first time he comes through the lane. Is it any wonder that some of us want to do more than just watch the mayhem, that we want to be part of it?

Throw alcohol into the mix and the whole thing explodes like a Molotov cocktail. NBA commissioner David Stern sounded sincere when he said that the league would consider restricting alcohol sales in the future, and there's no doubt that turning off the taps at the start of the fourth quarter, for instance, would reduce the likelihood of brawls like the one on Friday night.

But the Pistons-Pacers fight wasn't just the result of a few fans having about a dozen too many, and it wasn't just about Artest looking for trouble and finding it again. The brawl came about because of far deeper, more complicated problems that can't be completely remedied with more security or more sobriety. The tensions that led to the melee won't go away overnight.

Maybe the only positive development in Friday's fight was that no one was seriously injured. We may not be so fortunate next time, and despite everyone's remorse and the stiff penalties that have been handed out, there will almost certainly be a next time.

"http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/writers/phil_taylor/11/22/artest.fans/"

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! We have a lot of things to be thankful for...family, home, food to eat, transportation..you know all the basic things.

There are alot of things we take for granted in everyday life. Little things we do not even think about on a day to day basis. They are all so ingrained in all we do. Here are some other people and things to be grateful for:

Sarah Boone: inventor of the ironing board

Walter Sammons: inventor of the hair comb

Lydia O. Newman: inventor of the hair brush

Madam Walker: inventor of various hair products for black hair

Lloyd P. Ray: inventor of the dustpan

Thomas W. Stewart: inventor of the mop

George T. Samon: inventor of the clothes dryer

John Love: inventor of the pencil sharpener...

The list goes on and there are many more daily items that were invented by black people. All the items above were invented by black people. Not only were black people the backbone of this great country we live in but we invented many of the useful, everyday things we can't live without.

How does one get on the list for the show? I want her to be my santa one year!

Dooney & Bourke Leather Duffle Bag 1-800-347-5000; www.dooney.com

Miraval Resort and Spa—Life in Balance 1-800-232-3969; www.miravalresort.com Orbitz 1-888-656-4546; www.orbitz.com

Dell™ 30" Wide-Screen LCD TV 1-800-BUY-DELL; www.dell.com/oprah

Eileen Fisher Hooded Waffle-Weave Merino Stretch Zip Cardigan and Merino Stretch Drawstring Pant Available at Eileen Fisher stores, or by phone and online. 1-800-eileen2; www.eileenfisher.com

Maytag® Neptune® Top-Load Washer and Drying Center 1-800-688-9900; www.maytag.com

Lollia Lifestyle Collection Hand Cream and Foaming Bubble Bath In Breathe and Relax fragrances. 1-888-8LOLLIA; www.lollialife.com. Also available at Kokopelli: 1-630-325-1996; kokopellihinsdale.com. And at Anthropologie and Bloomingdale's stores nationwide.

Hand-Blown Crystal Champagne Glasses by Deborah Ehrlich Available at Takashimaya New York: 1-800-753-2038.

Quilted Jacket and Cashmere Scarf by Burberry Available at Burberry stores nationwide. www.burberry.com

Apple Bottom Jeans by Nelly 1-800-637-9594; www.applebottoms.com

Museum Automatic Arté Watch by Movado 1-888-4MOVADO; www.movado.com

Bourjois Lip Products Silk wrap case, which includes one crystal lipstick case, one lip brush, 10 lipsticks, 4 lip glosses and 2 lip liners. www.bourjois.com and www.sephora.com

Gourmet Florida Key Lime Bundt Cake We Take The Cake: 1-888-901-CAKE (2253); www.wetakethecake.com (You'll find the bundt cake by clicking on Mail-Order.)

Italian Water Garden Tea Service Available for purchase at Room with a View: 1-800-410-9175; www.roomview.com. For other stores near you, please check the VIETRI website: www.vietri.com.

SpecialTeas Fine Tea Gift Certificate 1-888-enjoy-tea (365-6983); www.specialteas.com

Williams-Sonoma Home Bedding 1-888-922-4110; www.wshome.com

The Magellan® RoadMate™ 700 Thales Navigation: 1-800-669-4477; www.magellangps.com

Dell™ Pocket DJ™ www.dell.com/oprah; 1-800-BUY-DELL

Sony VAIO® S260 Notebook computer Available at Sony stores or by calling 1-877-865-SONY; www.sonystyle.com

OfficeMax Gift Certificate 1-877-OFFICEMAX; www.OfficeMax.com

BeBe Winans' My Christmas Prayer & Starbucks Gift Card Available at Starbucks locations in the U.S. and Canada, while supplies last. www.oprah.com

This is an update to the first post: here!

We had our office luncheon on Friday and it was just as I knew it would be. The office supplied the meat and all the employees had to bring in assorted side dishes. There was so much food it was ridiculous. We were to told to bring in a dish that feed 10 people. There are about 75 peopel in the office so you do the math. how much food did we have? Food for an army! Way too much for the office.

Well it began right after the meal as far as the food hording. Their are 2 main culprits who do this. As they shall remain nameless, I'll describe by color. (As you know...I am an oreo so is is all about color) The worst of the two is Blackberry. She is just as her name. A dark elderly woman, petite and one who has been with the company for 29 years. She makes over 75k per year. Blackberry is known for bringing her baggies and zip locks from home and waiting until the office is deserted. She will then go to the kitchen with her purse and briefcase and fill up those baggies with food and stuff them in her purse and briefcase.

Makes me sick just to think about it! Aint' she got no home training? Ain't she got no pride? Hell no. She don't care!

The other culprit is...let's call her Redbone. That is her color...a lite skinned middle aged woman, wavy hair...you know... what used to be called mulatto in earlier times. She is know for bringing in Walmart bags and going into the kitchen before ...BEFORE!!!!!..any office function and loading up for later. She will wrap up all sorts of meat and cheese in that walmart bag and then hide it in the vegetable crisper until later....or in her words, "putting up a plate for later." A plate would be one thing but she loads up pounds of meat. Pounds! She has been with the company for 15 years and makes over 50k per year. No pride at all. Not after the function...BEFORE the function begins. You would think that she had work to do at her desk when the function was goin on but she does not. She is eating with everyone else and it is not the food she has horded away and hidden.

And of course all these women are in a cliche together. I was sitting at a table and they came to sit near me. Surprising as I am not a member of the group. Black berry has jokingly told me that I am not quite black enough to be in their social circle. One of the other ladies they socialize with made greens and when I got to the buffet line to that dish, it was all gone. That herd of black women are always the first in line. Well all of a sudden someone produced a plastic tupperware dish of greens. They had scooped all the greens out of the pot on the buffet line and put it in a plastic dish. They passed the dish around to all at the table but me. I was skipped right over. They all had greens and noone else did. How damned rude was that? If you are going to pass something around the entire table include everyone. I was sitting there first. But, it was par for the course and nothing that was a real surprise. I just announced...."well at least we know where the greens went."

I ate and left. Later in the mid afternoon alot of us went back for dessert. We could not eat it at the main lunch. There was just too much to eat. There was blackberry and redbone taking whole pies and wrapping them in walmart bags to take home. DAMn! What is wrong with those women? They had wrapped up one apple and 2 sweet potatoe pies. I know that when the office closed, they stayed late. I left them there. The office closes at 5, I left at 6 and they were still there waiting for eveyone to clear out to that they can go pack up the turkey and ham and take it home.

They did a very good job of clearing out the food because the next day there wre just about turkey scraps left. The office had lunch again if you wanted left overs but my desk mate and I got the scraps of turkey that was left. Those vultures had stripped the refrigerators clean of meat. I went hunting and saw all sort of walmart bags hidden in the vegetable crispers. I peaked and it was all the turkey wrapped up and hidden away.

Why these well to do women are acting like bag ladies is beyond me. They make good money and have been doing so for years. They live in what are really mansions and drive cars like the Infinity and the Escalades. They are dripping in money. Unlike some others....me. I have only been with the company a few years. God help me from every becoming lilke them. The day I walk in there with a baggy in my purse is the day I would need to be carted off to the funny farm.

Those greedy black women are getting on my last nerve. Now I know that there may be many white people who fill up at a buffet, but the degree to which these women do it is appalling and embarassing! All the white people in our office talk about them like DAWGS!

The spring after the horrible Christmas episode, Harrington decided to get his masters in business administration. He signed up for the weekend graduate school designed specifically for working professionals. Intense school on the weekends and it lasted for about 2.5 years.

After the holidays Harrington said he wanted to take a little break. I asked what that meant as it seemed we really did not have a strong relationship anyway. He said that he wanted the opportunity to maybe go out with others....just on some dates...nothing serious and no sleeping with anyone. He wanted time to figure out where our relationship was going. Sounded like a good move. Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder? We set some rules for both of us. We could go out on fairly platonic dates if we wanted but there was to be no sleeping with anyone else. If we really liked the date and felt that that person was someone we wanted to sleep with, we were to let the other know that we wanted out of the relationship for good. Harrington was in school all weekends so our time was limited to weeknights. He would come over to my house or I would go over to his house 2 times a week. We would still go out if we could and on Sunday nights we would go out to jazz clubs.

I was miserable but what could I do. I have never been one to run after a man. Maybe that is my problem. I do not know. Seems I can only have one for a short while. Noone ever stays for long. I did not initiate this arrangement, this break, this whatever the hell it was. I was interested in what he was doing in school. I even wanted to go up and tour the campus with him one weekend. I asekd to do that but the answer was no. So...noone he was associating with in grad school and that new circle of friends knew about me. I felt he was slipping away but there was nothing I could do.

I realize that most men are lying bastards but never has it been proven to me with so much bravado in all my years of dating. That lesson comes back to me over and over again. As if I had not learned it enough already.

He had a few papers to write and Harrington was not computer literate. At that time computers were not as common place as they are now. He had a computer and I offered on more than one occassion to type for him. I was the manager of a rehabilitation facility at that time and had access to my own computers at work and home. Harrington declined my offer. He said that he would get his office help to type. Other times he said a friend who was a typist would do it for him. Okay! All those things were valid and someone was typing for him. I was not sure who it was exactly. Well on another occassion he mentioned that he had a paper to type. I offered again and was rejected. This time he said I would not know how.

Now the muddy waters were clearing. He thought that my youth meant I did not know anything... I was dumb. With that statement, other past statements that were said to me hit home. He really did not think that I was as smart as him , if not smarter. God damn him! I was smarter. I had 4 years of college just like he did. I had a professional job, I was a social worker and therapist in the medical field. God knows I had a good education. In addition to keep current, I had to take continuing education and I was signed up for graduate school at Duke University. This was a sista' with skills and an education. I think that in all his years of dating since his divorce, he had dated a lot of younger women and maybe they all did not have the skills I had. Maybe he felt that anyone younger than him was not on his level. Little did he know that he was not on mine.

As it turmed out when he had that last paper completed, I asked to see it. Standard typing. Nothing fancy. I asked who typed it and if it was someone he was dating. He said it was. I let him have it. I could have certainly typed his fucking paper with no problem. We had a big fight about that. I asked how old the woman was that he was seeing and it was someone close to his own age. We were still on some sort of break/but still dating period.

I remember when I was a teen, I used to read Harlequin Romances. I read hundreds of them. That was how I learned how love and relatonship are supposed to be. No matter what, you may go thru some sort of adversity in the relationship, but in the end a knight in shining armor is supposed to come in on a white horse, sweep you off your feet, plant a big kiss on your lips and the two of you go riding off into the sunset together. I realize that every man I have ever dated, I have expected to sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset with me. Where is my knight? He is lost out there looking for me. I am here! Right here! Please come find me!

Well, I was looking for Harrington to be my knight. This was the adversity part and all was to work out in the end. I kept secretly hoping and waiting. While this break was going on , I did not date anyone else. Just him. I just knew that it would all work out in the end. I already had 2 years invested...now going into three. I wanted to ride off into the sunset with him. It would be a pretty nice sunset as he had a little money and we did have fun together. Our main differences came to doing things outdoors. I was more into that and he was not. We had many other things in common. The love of fine art and reading, jazz and going out!! He was not a stay at home fuddie duddie.

I was unable to place a name with this other woman he was seeing suposely not seriously so we continued on like we were. I was still in waiting mode. Don't good things come to those whow wait? Maybe this does not apply to men. Spring break was coming and I wanted us to spend that week together doing something. He was agreeble to that and I thought maybe we had just turned a corner. I invited Harrington to go home with me to meet my parents.

He did go with me. I had not told my mother about our age difference. I do not tell my mother about any relationships I have because when I did in younger years...not knowing...she would get all up in my bizness and cause trouble and turmoil. She did enough to run any men off I was interested. So we arrived at the door and she just happened to open it. She was in appropriate as usual. Before she could even say hello she had her hand over her mouth and was bending into her "I swany" moves. You know "I swany." It is that move that all elderly black women know about. "I swany" is from the 60's and earlier. I just looked at her. She finally straightened up and let us in. We got in. I told her we coudl share the same room. BIG FAT NO to that one. If you are not married you cannot sleep in the same room in her house. That really was not a big deal. We had a good weekend seeing all the sites aroung town, going to the beach and eating out. We headed back home on Tuedsay with no other plans for the rest of the week.